The Human Pincushion

The Human Pincushion...yep, that was me today. I was at hospital early for miscarriage investigation tests and today's fun procedures were that I had a lot of bloods to be taken. I have had four maybe five taken in the past in one go but this is the first time I had so many in one go and I was feeling the  worst of it as there was a nurse in training practising on me first , that did not go well so the lovely head nurse did the rest. I was fine until about sample 7 or 8 was taken but when it went into double digits I was hoping I was not not going to pass out on the student nurse. By sample 12 I was feeling sorry for myself and looking forward to a hot chocolate.. Let's just say I was glad that was over.... Sometimes I wonder if the journey to try and be a mother is worth it and then today seeing a mum holding and kissing her gurgling baby I got my answer... 

I have lost four babies  had 5 operations , I have a scar, I have had more examinations then any woman should ever have to have , monthly blood tests, 6 rounds of fertility drugs at one point ( even though each pregnancy was natural in the end ) scans, more internal and external scans then I could count, more needles in me then anyone would ever want , a balloon inserted in womb while I was awake and dye put through my Fallopian tubes while I was awake, all in the name of a little bundle of our very own. 12 years I have been on this journey with monthly disappointments , at times I have wanted to give up, at times the physical recovery from some of these tests did not seem worth it, I have almost died more then once, I have haemorrhaged twice with two of the miscarriages and after all this after when my test results come in I need to think clearly about how or if I want to continue down this road that I can't see the end of. I am sitting here now eating a bun and drinking my hot chocolate wondering what this most recent rounds of tests will show and tell . I feel fear and worry and something else .. Maybe it's hope......

Until next time xxxxxxx