As a family we normally celebrate it together , there is my sister in law and my mum who both deserve to be treated like queens for the day SO much , but this year I can't make myself go with them to celebrate. Please don't think bad of me , I think the sight of all the happy mums and children would likely make me wallow into a puddle of tears at the table and what ever strength is getting me through this time would falter and I would bring a happy day down.
I would have been five months and 1 day pregnant this Mother's Day , the thoughts that if things had worked out different I would have been out with my family sporting a baby bump of my own and cuddling my toddler niece and nephews and looking forward to my own baby that was due in the summer. As this was my fourth baby loss I have spent more then one Mother's Day thinking of all the Almost Mothers.... When I came out of hospital after my last baby loss in January I remember saying to someone close to me that having recurrent miscarriages is a bit like playing snakes and ladders and just as you are getting confident you keep landing on the snake and landing back at the beginning again .
Today in this blog post I am shouting out loudly to all the ladies who wanted to be mums , but with empty arms are reading this post today. I am sending hugs to you all , I know the pain and the emptiness you are feeling , I wish I could take the pain from us all but I can't , but I hope that sharing my pain will help you know you are not the only one going through this today ,and as women we have more strength then we could ever have thought possible we just need to be gentle with ourselves on days like today , Mother's Day , when some TLC is needed more then ever. Be kind to yourself today and try and remember the good things you may have going on in your life .
I got a surprise today from my godson , my best friend told me he had a card and gift for me and below is what the little cutie got me
My guy took me out for a drive today , a walk around the shops and dinner on the way home where he thoughtfully found a quiet restaurant free from Mother's Day celebrations and it was the first time I had relaxed today. The waitress kindly sent me a free drink for Mother's Day I did not have the heart to tell her otherwise so I smiled and thanked her for the kind gesture.Then when leaving she wished me a happy Mother's Day again.
I guess it always feels like something is always pointing me towards trying to have a baby again since I have had so many doubts about it since Grace died.
On the way home I called to see my niece and nephews and give them hugs and kisses as they gave me yogurt kisses and pulled my nose and told me about their day . Their smiling faces are hard to resist smiling back at.
Below is a picture of me and my own mum last November. I would find out a few hours later after the photo was taken that I was five weeks pregnant . It's a precious photo to me