The weather is rubbish here right now ... I must have missed the memo where we were to be told that the sun was not arriving this year... Anyway, I found a moment it was not raining to capture this pretty tree.
In other news , miscarriage investigations are pretty much what you would expect, tiring and filled with emotional ups and downs. After getting pregnant four times on my own I am taking medication to help prevent baby loss in the first trimester , some of these drugs you take before pregnancy to increase the hormones that need boosting ( which is what I am doing ) and none of the side effects are pleasant so if you are on the baby trail and going through something like this, girl I feel your pain! !
I have been tidying out a bedroom recently, getting rid of junk, donating books, and I came across things I was given or I got in my earliest pregnancies. My heart dropped to my stomach when I saw the little yellow onesie i had kept, I held to my body and cried. I don't know if I am ever going to have my own baby but holding that small piece of cloth upped every maternal feeling in my body and I wish now more then ever that we as women did not have a recommended time to have children. A count down clock rushing us to have kids before it stops being even an option. When I lost my first baby at 24 my husband and I had great hope. We were told I was young and had plenty of time , now there is more urgency, pressure ,and less time wasting . It feels like a roller coaster some days that I wish I could slow down ,but if I ask to slow down maybe I won't see this ride out to the end of its journey of which could lead in two very different directions, to be a mum or not. I am at the age where pretty much all my friends are having babies or are finished and their kids are growing up and as I said before I feel like I am playing a game of snakes and ladders each time I get pregnant , I get so far each time and end up back at the beginning. It is soul destroying. Each pregnancy leaving me more scared then the previous and every month tests and tears. Today's post never intended to be a venting session about what this process is like but it turned into that and I can only hope that you will understand . As always , much love and thanks for sticking by me through this crazy thing we call life.