I thought long and hard about if I was going to say anything about what happened to me this past week , I talked it over with family and decided I would. There is a certain amount of therapy in writing down problems you are going through and troubles you are having and as I found out reading about others similar stories can bring a great deal of comfort when read at the right time.
This past week I nearly died and my baby did die. That was a hard sentence for me to write.
When I think about it my breath catches in my chest and fear and grief wash over me in a cold sweat.
I wake at night and put my hand on my stomach and I know you are not there any more and an overwhelming sense of sadness engulfs me and I feel loneliness that is beyond anything I have ever felt before.
I found out I was pregnant in November, the shops were filling up with all the sparkles and glitter that Christmas brings and the Christmas songs and scents all around made this an even more magical time of year for me now I knew you were growing inside me. Everything seemed extra special and I felt so lucky , I was in this magical bubble and excited yet fearful.
You were my fourth baby. Previous pregnancies all ended in miscarriage , I never got further then three months before my babies passed away , but you ,little angel ,were the one I was certain I was going to meet. We were going to call you Grace, I dreamt about you nearly every night and I could hardly wait to kiss your little face and hold you in my arms, then when last week your little heart stopped beating mine felt like it would struggle to go on.
When we first heard your little heartbeat in the scanning room, it sounded like a horse at full gallop, I was amazed how something so tiny inside me could be so strong , you amazed me, I looked at you on the screen and I was so incredibly proud of you already.
I had you for my birthday , Christmas , New year but New Years night you began to leave me and terrified I made my way to the hospital where a couple of hours later I would almost die from an allergic reaction to a tablet I had never taken before. Kev nearly lost us both that night.
A few hours later I would learn your heart stopped beating and then they sent me home to have you there , bringing me back in a week to scan and operate if needed.
I did have you at home not 24 hours later, my mum and Kev taking it in turns to sit with me , I had a candle lit and my favourite songs playing low in the background. It was a surreal moment in my life I am unlikely to forget.
The pain eased for a while but on the Sunday the pain got bad quickly and later that night I was rushed to hospital and scanned in the morning and brought to theatre less then twenty minutes later . When I woke up it was all over and you were really gone, it was all too real.
The physical pain from the op and recovery afterwards will be gone soon but what will take longer is the loss I feel. My body feels lonely without you but I feel lucky I had you at all even for that small amount of time.
Who knows what the future is going to bring ....right now I am taking it day by day. If you are a grieving mother reading this then I hope reading this will give you some comfort knowing you are not alone.
If you are wondering how to support a friend or loved one going through this then do what someone did to me today. I had not seen this old friend in years and she knew I had lost my baby, she came right up to me said she was sorry and give me a hug, thats all it takes folks. That's all. Xxxxxxxxxxxx