Sunday Evening Blues

Sunday evenings to me usually mean that I have been out walking( no matter what the weather) , that I have been cooking, eating and reading ...but tonight is different. I feel unsettled this last week as I know I have hospital this week and I am scared , yep  scared. Miscarriage investigations are not two words that are likely to give much comfort to most people even though their point is to find out what's wrong and fix what is possible or determine what has perhaps caused previous baby losses. I feel uneasy, it feels like someone is squeezing my stomach tight and i can't settle , today picking up a book and reading it has been a battle of wills between my attention and the worry side of my brain.

It feels like a lot of my life is riding on the outcome of what a doctor who has not met me before is going to say to me.... If this doctor realises it or not I am not a number , I need reassurance , I need them to be straight with me no matter what the answers are , but to give them answers in a gentle manner where they can see me as someone , not just a number , someone who wanted to be a mother so badly they kept trying through fears , tears  and pain both physical and psychological.

I need them to know that I may be a small part of their day but I will remember everything they say in my head for days ,weeks , years after. 

This year is will be 11 years since I started trying to be a mum , I lost my first baby, Friday 13th August 2004 , I remember it so clear that at times I have to force myself to not think of it, the pain is still raw , my hands shake , my voice changes and I am instantly back there again to that time that I never want to go through again. That miscarriage was horrific and time has not healed that memory at all. I wish it had , I wish I could find some good that could come from what happened but I can't. Now 11 years later I am here ,without my babies ,wondering what happens next.....

I have questions for my doctor that I have written down.

I have worries tonight about what they are going to say to those questions.

I wonder if I will ever be a mum or are my four angels in heaven all that was ever meant for me.

I wonder will I die trying to have another baby or should I count whatever blessing I have and stop now.

I am writing all this down as a way to get it out of my head so that I am acknowledging what's happening but trying to find some sort of answers and control to get through this week. 

There are times I wish I knew what the future held , but then .... maybe we are better off not knowing. 

I am sorry to finish the week on a sad note but I hope you won't mind me writing all this down. 

Below is a link to Beyonce's song Heartbeat. It has given me comfort.

http://youtu.be/Pr6I2t57nk8

Until next time xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx