It feels like a lot of my life is riding on the outcome of what a doctor who has not met me before is going to say to me.... If this doctor realises it or not I am not a number , I need reassurance , I need them to be straight with me no matter what the answers are , but to give them answers in a gentle manner where they can see me as someone , not just a number , someone who wanted to be a mother so badly they kept trying through fears , tears and pain both physical and psychological.
I need them to know that I may be a small part of their day but I will remember everything they say in my head for days ,weeks , years after.
This year is will be 11 years since I started trying to be a mum , I lost my first baby, Friday 13th August 2004 , I remember it so clear that at times I have to force myself to not think of it, the pain is still raw , my hands shake , my voice changes and I am instantly back there again to that time that I never want to go through again. That miscarriage was horrific and time has not healed that memory at all. I wish it had , I wish I could find some good that could come from what happened but I can't. Now 11 years later I am here ,without my babies ,wondering what happens next.....
I have questions for my doctor that I have written down.
I have worries tonight about what they are going to say to those questions.
I wonder if I will ever be a mum or are my four angels in heaven all that was ever meant for me.
I wonder will I die trying to have another baby or should I count whatever blessing I have and stop now.
I am writing all this down as a way to get it out of my head so that I am acknowledging what's happening but trying to find some sort of answers and control to get through this week.
There are times I wish I knew what the future held , but then .... maybe we are better off not knowing.
I am sorry to finish the week on a sad note but I hope you won't mind me writing all this down.
Below is a link to Beyonce's song Heartbeat. It has given me comfort.
Until next time xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx