My Due Date

Today was the day I was due to have my baby.if you are new to my blog then perhaps go back to the beginning of January posts and read those first.  I was on medication to sustain this pregnancy so this pregnancy had a lot of hope behind it. I could picture the day I would hold my little bundle in my arms. My weeks started over on Saturdays so I would always stay up to midnight to see each new week change over . A little relief would flood my body with each day and week passing and I would sleep better those nights. I woke up this morning and the first thing I did was cry in the bathroom where I could not be seen or heard. My stomach was in knots and I kept thinking what it would be like to have my baby to hold in my arms that I had given birth to ... to kiss its head and cuddle it close . 

My four babies died at 12 weeks , 10 weeks, 8 weeks, 10 weeks. Their due days are very hard to get through , and for some people it can take you by surprise how much you feel that day. People may wonder why put up pictures or mention it ?  Well , for me it is to acknowledge that my little one was here and alive , there is a picture, I heard their heartbeat I went through all this emotional and physical pain of hoping they would not die and then learning they did , having my baby at home , rushed to hospital then surgery , home , then hospital again . 

The lines have faded since November but they are still there. 

Physically I have recovered but emotionally,  no. I don't know if I can go through a pregnancy for a 5th time and risk losing another child. 

But for now , today , it's about Grace and hoping that my four babies are together in heaven and maybe they can help me get through today . I should have four children here with me and today the pain of you all not being hear really hurts. Xxxxxxxxxxxxx