Today marks the twelfth anniversary of my first miscarriage . We called the baby Ali . This baby we had tried for for a long time . When my ,then husband, and I found out that night that we were pregnant we could not have been more shocked or excited, even though we had been trying it was still a shock . I had never felt a sense of peace like it , I felt so calm and certain this was what was meant to be. I was finally going to be a mum. All bad habits were instantly halted ,and healthy food , drinks , vitamins became my daily routine , every week I checked what the baby was doing in my pregnancy magazine , every night my husband cuddled me close with his hand on my belly . We were going to be parents.
We had baby books, and each night my hubby came home I would be reading out names for him to chose from . We had gone from being shocked , to excited.
It was very hot that summer and I was in a field with my hubby as he did work there , all the while thinking how lucky we were.
Then it all quickly went terribly wrong.
Friday 13th August 2004.
Without going into detail we found out that the pregnancy had ended and I was to be operated on the following morning . I was 12 weeks. None of it felt real , I was numb and dead inside . I was still trying to grasp the first lot of information they gave me as they tried to tell me what the procedure was going to be like the following morning .
When my husband went home that evening I spent the night with curtains around my bed crying with my hand holding my stomach . Nurses talked to me on and off during the night . Each trying to reassure me I was young enough to try again . I was 24 . My age had no relevance to the situation as far as I was concerned but I appreciated their kindness.
My husband arrived the following morning and they started me off with tablets to start a miscarriage , within 15 minutes the most horrific pains began and they gave me pain relief injections , while assuring me I would be off to surgery soon. Emergency cases came in so the entire day and evening was spent in horrific pain and fear as I waited to be brought to theatre.
You are not taken off a normal gyne ward when you are having a miscarriage ,so during the entire day when this was all happening they put the curtain round my bed as people visited their relatives around me or had their dinners as I was losing my baby . I tried to cry quietly as the pains never ceased for a second , all the time from early in the morning to I believe around 7 that night , lying on a incontenence pad so the nurses could check how things were progressing, but my body was not letting go of the pregnancy . I don't know what was going through my husband's mind during that time and we never talked about it, I remember him holding my hand and trying to reassure me it would not be long until surgery , unfortunately it was .
I came around from surgery that Saturday night wanting my baby and crying , the following day was Sunday and a priest talked to me at my bed and said prayers with me and nurses gave me a certificate etc for our baby where we could write name and dates etc. I was let home after lunch.
This became a complicated miscarriage with me later hospitalised many more times and haemorrhaging and then 3 D&C's and a laparoscopy . I was in hospital almost a month in total .
This time of my life still haunts me . I feel sick when I think about it. It was horrific .
I later went on to have further miscarriages on that ward . It all leaves me with a deep grief I can't properly put into words . Sometimes the loss feels so great I can't breathe , it frightens me . Each year I think it will get easier but the truth is it does not .
Today I try and remember mental self care as it is one of the toughest days for me. If I am honest I feel relief once this date is over but I never forget the joy I felt when I was pregnant at this time. That baby was dearly wanted xxxxxxxx