Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Baby Loss Anniversary

Today was the second anniversary of the loss of Grace . ( I go more into what happened then in my January blog posts in 2015). Today was a funny old day . I woke early and remembered as soon as I was conscious but before I opened my eyes. My dog snoring beside me gave me comfort as I relived in my head that time two years ago when more baby dreams were taken from me. As you may know if you have followed my blog for a while it was my fourth pregnancy , we had heard the heartbeat weeks before and got pictures at each scan of which there was many . Having miscarriages in my past I always got scanned early so seeing the baby and hearing it's little heart was especially special as every milestone is a blessing with my pregnancy history. 
This past Christmas felt lonely ...the little ornaments in the shops with " baby's first Christmas " made me smile but I hurt a little inside too . Looking back over the Christmas photos from two years ago I could see my hopes and fears on my face . I am glad I never knew what was ahead of me and for the small amount of time it was me and my baby both healthy with hearts beating along together as I did by best to keep my little one safe.
Anniversarys are hard . You remember your loss , relive the time they died, mourn empty arms and part of you does die with each baby and you don't get that part of yourself back . It is replaced by something else , a little more cautious ....more wary... and fearful . 
So my hopes for this year are the same as I had when I lost my baby that January . To be kinder on myself  and stop beating myself up for what might have been. 

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